Caught between two worlds...

Have you ever been told something that is completely life changing? Something that changes your entire outlook on everything? You don't really know how to act, what to say, what to believe anymore. You want nothing more than to use your new found 'knowledge'. To use what you have learnt for the best. To embrace this new and exciting information that you have. But, you also don't want to become a completely different person, to forget the person you are, become blinded and completely suffocated by this new life. You don't want to lose all of your characteristics that people have known and loved for so long, things which make you 'you'. You don't want things to change completely. You don't want to become a 'robot'. You don't know how to change things? I have.

I'm feeling somewhat lost at the moment. I think this may be the closest I will ever come to having split personality disorder...(I probably shouldn't joke about that). I would say I am caught between a rock and a hard place, but I'm not. If anything I am caught between a desert and fields of green pasture and I'm sure you can understand which place I'd rather be in. I have come to another fork in the road. But this time I have the directions...I know which way I want/need to go. I guess I'm just scared of going. I'm scared to take the plunge, I'm scared of the consequences of changing, even though I know I want to, need to. I know that the positives, the benefits, the amazingness of my new gift will outweigh any reprocussions, by far. But I'm scared. I am scared of losing people I have, I am scared that if I have different priorities and different things mattering to me people won't want to know. I know I have different things to be thinking about and not everyone around me can appreciate this.

I think what I find most difficult is that I'm more aware of my failings. The times when I didn't do the right thing, didn't say what I should have said, when I am selfish, when I don't have the energy and I feel bad for it. I fail to reach my own targets, my own standards, let alone anybody elses. I'm confused because I do realise that this doesn't matter. It is ok to fail. No-one can be perfect. It's natural almost. But I feel guilty for it, it is very difficult thing to drop a 'lifetime' of bad habits, thoughts, values.

It is difficult to stop doing things that I don't necessarily want to do but are kind of reflex actions. It is difficult to know how to do that. How to become the person I know I can be, I know I want to be. It's also difficult toI dislike confrontation, I have no wish to consciously upset or offend anyone due to my own opinions, after all they are just opinions and I can't take them as fact. But at the same time, I have no wish to sit quiet and keep my opinions to myself. I guess it's difficult when your opinions are based on such a 'taboo' subject, when they have developed from a 'book' that a lot of people deem untrue. It is difficult to stand up for your opinion when a lot of people are violently offended and at times angered by what you believe. It would be so easy to go and hide in a corner, but I know that I can't. I know this won't help anybody. I have a lot of questions, and I think I have been given the answers, I'm just not sure I understand them. I'm not sure I am interpreting them correctly. I guess I'm struggling to find the right balance.

I guess I can only hope that those around me, friends, family, etc will be happy with my choices. I can only hope that they will either understand or accept changes I make. I guess I can only have faith that everything is under 'control' and that I will have teh right guidance. I will know what to say, what to do. I can only have the faith that whatever happens, whatever people think of me, things really will be ok. For the first time ever I realise that I am not alone, I am loved, I am wanted, I am needed, I actually make a difference, and I am Happy. I know this is good! At times I am so overwelmed with positive emotion that my whole body feels as if it is going to explode. I am intoxicated with life, love, and pure joy.